How To Do It Right. Marriage.

I married young and unprepared. Then, I divorced young and still was unprepared. With a clearer view I remarried a few years later. Eleven and one-half years have passed and we are still married. As we have raised our little girl I often wondered how to teach her how to have a proper courtship and for choosing a spouse. I wanted her to have an even clearer view and to be much more prepared. I realized that I still did not have all the answers.

Many years ago an old friend of mine had made mention the reason for a decision that her and her fiancé had made for delaying marriage. She had said that they wanted to do it right. At the time I took it personally, realizing that she had compared my mistakes to that of her own concerns for making the right decisions for herself. What is right? I understood what she had been saying. She had meant to finish college and get a good job. Be stable and prepared. These are all good things. Since then I have pondered what “right” really means from an eternal perspective rather than one from a worldly view. What is right in the eyes of my Heavenly Father and how can I teach that to my daughter?

For many years I defined “right” to mean marring a man in the Temple who was fulfilling his priesthood responsibilities. Besides teaching her gospel standards, the Law of Chastity and purity, that was it. I could not think of anything else. Finally, one day my daughter cut me off while reminding her of this criteria and she mentioned that I need not worry because she would not even be dating anyone outside of the Church. I was stunned. I had not even thought of that. So, I changed the criteria to include members only. I even found quotes from church leaders to substantiate the importance of this choice. Even a Young Women lesson that focused on Dating Decisions

For the Strength of Youth says this about dating: “Because dating is a preparation for marriage, date only those who have high standards, who respect your standards, and in whose company you can maintain the standards of the gospel of Jesus Christ” (p. 7). And President Gordon B. Hinckley has said: “Your chances for a happy and lasting marriage will be far greater if you will date those who are active and faithful in the Church” (Ensign, Nov. 1981, 41).

President Spencer W. Kimball counseled: “Do not take the chance of dating nonmembers, or members who are untrained and faithless. … One cannot afford to take a chance on falling in love with someone who may never accept the gospel (The Miracle of Forgiveness, 241–42; italics added)…. If you date someone who doesn’t hold high standards, the romantic feelings you may develop for that person could pressure you to compromise your standards. Temple marriage should be your goal. If you avoid dating situations where you may feel pressure to compromise your standards—even if it means postponing dating—the Lord will bless you.

The world has quite a different point of view than the teachings we have taught our daughter. In For Strength of Youth Pamphlet youth are admonished to maintain sexual purity. I remember an experience that was pivotal in my view for criteria in preparing for marriage.

While attending a marriage ceremony in the Salt Lake Temple the officiator commented after the newlyweds kissed that we had witnessed their first ever kiss! I had never, until that point, heard of such a thing. I pondered that for years. John Bytheway spoke candidly about this in his talk “What Do Kisses Mean?” he shares “Remember, before you are married, you will be more respected and more attractive for the affection you withhold than for the affection you give.” While President Spencer W. Kimball asks “What do kisses mean when given out like pretzels and robbed of sacredness?”

In his talk “Standards Night Live” John Bytheway teaches that youth show their future spouse how much they are loved by how they behave long before they are married. By saving themselves, even to the point of avoiding the simplest act of affection, they show their love for their future spouse while still in their youth. I have learned that part of the “right” for marriage is through our actions during the many years preceding the wedding.

The next question I had was the timing of the marriage. Since I had married at the young age of eighteen years I wanted my own daughter to have a little more time. That seemed that it should fit in the grand scheme of doing it right. She wants to serve a mission and would need to be at least twenty-one years old before she can serve in that capacity. This would mean she would still be single and then after eighteen months of serving she would return home almost twenty-three years old. I felt that was a safe age to marry. Then, I came across the following advice from church leaders that changed that goal from a determined quest that of keeping an open mind.

In the home a young girl can understand that her primary role is to be a wife and mother. Yet as that preparation unfolds there may be an opportunity to serve a full-time mission, provided recent counsel of the First Presidency is followed: “Worthy single women ages twenty-one and older … may be recommended to serve full-time missions. … These sisters can make a valuable contribution … , but they should not be pressured to serve. Bishops should not recommend them for missionary service if it will interfere with imminent marriage prospects.” Richard G. Scott, “Now Is the Time to Serve a Mission!.

Last year I watched the Worldwide Leadership Training Meeting: Building Up a Righteous Posterity and I was thrilled to hear sage advice on marriage for young folks. It provided direct instruction for my quest of how to do it “right.” Elder Holland said: “I think we’ve all heard comments such as “Well, I need to get through school before I get married” or “I need to get a job” or “I need a little money in the bank” or “We’re going to need a car.” We start to hear, increasingly in society, those kinds of stipulations. We want all of this in place. I have loved a very homely little definition of love that James Thurber gave many, many years ago. He said, “Love is what you go through together.”… You shouldn’t miss the ties that bind and the experiences that link us together in our youth and in our hardship and in our sacrifice as well as in senior years when maybe you’ve got a little more money.”

As I thought about this advice I began to remember that the most enjoyable times in my marriage were when we had the least money. It seemed to force us to live a simple life and to appreciate the little things. I can also remember the feeling of bonding that we had while sharing the vicissitudes of life. What a pity it would have been had we postponed life with one another until some part of the difficulty was over. Yet, I wonder how that could ever be? How can we actually wait until difficult times are over? Life is full of trials and experiences, both good and bad. If young people are postponing marriage until after college is finished and a good job is found, is the hard part of life over? Hardly! I think we often fool ourselves a bit. A good education and a job are important, but it need not postpone marriage.

Of the same Leadership meeting Sister Beck and Elder Oaks had brought up another good point when choosing a spouse.

Sister Beck: Oftentimes we hear young adults saying, “I’m looking for my soul mate.” And they put off being married because they think there’s one perfect match and a soul mate who then will be their best friend forever. What really should they be looking for if they’re interested in seeking after the Lord’s blessings and forming an eternal family? How do they do that?

Elder Oaks: I’m always doubtful when I hear that someone’s waiting for the person that was predestined for them in heaven. There may be such cases. But I think most of us are looking for someone we love, whom we can stand together with and go forward with, who has same ideals and the same principles to make an eternal family. I think the idea that you’re waiting until something hits you on the head as if to say “this is it” just postpones marriage and sometimes prevents it altogether.

While creating the YW Quotes Calendar for my daughter I also came across this quote:

"Soul mates' are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price." Spencer W. Kimball

It has only been recently that I seem to be finding most of my answers for making the right decisions when finding a spouse in order to teach my daughter correct principles. In addition to the direction I receive through church leaders and gospel principles, I can be thankful for wise friends. They have taught me that during the dating period a young man and young women should choose wise activities for their dates that include other friends. Through time this will allow her to see him under the light of his true character. Someone has said that we “should keep [our] eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.

Another friend provided three essentials that she looked for when she was searching for an eternal companion. She looked for someone who had earned his Eagle Scout, graduated from Seminary and served a mission. She explained the reasons behind these choices. If he had earned his Eagle Scout she knew that he could make goals for his family. By graduating from Seminary she knew he would be able to get up early to earn a living for his family. Finally, by serving a mission she knew that he could keep promises to the Lord and thereby keep his promises to her.

After much thought I decided to add one more criteria to the list. As I watched my young niece and nephew-in-law with their little baby, now expecting a second one, I realized how blessed they were that they both received their college educations while so young. I don’t know about him, but I know she already has her master’s degree. What a blessing that is for them during these rough times. With that extra leverage in life, she will not feel so compelled to work outside of the home to make up for budgetary differences. With his education he will be able to stand out from the crowd of a job-hungered competition. This isn’t about building wealth and recognition, it is about sustaining the family in an unstable world. To have the wisdom and foresight to recognize the need for an education is showing love for his family and the needs they will have in their future. Postponing education while still so young for whatever reason is really not an option these days. It doesn’t get easier. Whether just out of high school for young women or just returned from a mission for young men and education is recommended by church leaders.

A good education will prepare us for opportunities as they come and will help us be an asset to our families, the Church, and our communities. (see