Is Teenage Romance Harmless?

I loved this article about youth and dating.... I would like to share it; you can find the original article here at Meridian Magazine.

Is Teenage Romance Harmless?
By JeaNette G. Smith

Teenage romance is touted on the movie screen, in romance novels, and on the radio. We see young couples in love and we often sigh, “Isn't that sweet?” In fact, teenage romance, although it may epitomize unjaded affection, will usually prove more sour than sweet.

Prophets have long counseled teenagers to avoid steady dating, yet 1/3 of LDS high school students currently have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Walking through a high school corridor can feel a lot like running a gauntlet—trying to dodge the couples embracing or making out in alcoves. Yet rather than discouraging romantic relationships between teenagers, we adults may inadvertently encourage them. Our encouragement may be as innocent as asking, “Do you have a boyfriend?” or as explicit as lining up couples for a date to the senior prom.

We can hardly expect our teenagers to avoid romantic relationships when the adults in their lives think they're so cute. One mother from Maryland said when her son was in high school, women in her ward frequently approached her, “Don't you think our kids would be good together?” A mother from a small town in Utah said the stake president dropped his daughter off at her house at 10:00 one night after returning from vacation, because the young lady couldn't go another minute without seeing her son.

Parents have a tremendous ability to influence their children to abstain from romantic relationships while still in adolescence, if they first, believe in the prophets' counsel themselves. Gordon B. Hinckley said, “When you are young, do not get involved in steady dating. When you reach an age where you think of marriage, then is the time to become so involved. But you boys who are in high school don't need this, and neither do the girls.” (Nov 1997 Ensign, priesthood session of General Conference)

We may think the only reason prophets discourage adolescent romance is because of the risk of immorality. This is certainly a valid concern. Boys and girls who are emotionally intimate with one another are far more likely to become physically intimate with one another. Folks who are “in love” naturally want to “make love.”

However, in addition to exposing high school students to things they shouldn't enjoy like sexual intimacy, adolescent romance also robs high school students of things they rightfully should enjoy.

Family First
Experts reveal that parental influence diminishes to almost nothing when adolescents have a boyfriend or girlfriend. In his book All Grown Up and No Place to Go, author David Elkind explains that to adolescents, love comes in a fixed amount. They believe they only have so much love to go around, and if they love a boyfriend or a girlfriend, then there isn't enough love left for a parent. Consequently, an adolescent may create conflict with a parent in order to justify giving their love to a boyfriend or girlfriend.

In addition, adolescents are far less needy of parental approval when they feel they have a boyfriend or girlfriend who so wholeheartedly approves of them.

One young lady laments that she spent her entire adolescence immersed in her boyfriend's life. She missed out on family outings because she preferred to be with her boyfriend. All the significant events that she experienced during adolescence, she shared with her boyfriend. Now she is an adult, and that boyfriend is no longer part of her life, she has no one in her family she can reminisce with because her family was not a part of her adolescence.

Just Friends
“It is better, my friends, to date a variety of companions until you are ready to marry. Have a wonderful time, but stay away from familiarity…..(Gordon B. Hinckley Ensign, Jan 2001 p. 2)

Casually dating a variety of companions is way more fun for teens then dating the same guy or girl their whole high school career. When I was young, I attended hockey games with one of my male friends. I attended jazz concerts with another, learned to drive a stick shift from another, went hang gliding with another, flew in a private plane with another, went hiking in the mountains with another, learned the history of world religions from another, attended my first wrestling meet, went water skiing, snow skiing, ice skating, scuba diving, camping, played rugby, learned photography, and mountain biking. I would have never had so many learning opportunities had I stayed in a single relationship.

One magazine once ran an article called, “Guys are like electives: You've got to take a bunch before you decide to commit to a major!”

Casually dating lots of people helps adolescents better choose someone to date seriously. Casually dating allows young people to discover traits they admire, and what traits they can't tolerate. It helps them discover what traits they, themselves, possess that people admire, and which ones people can't tolerate. Friendship with a variety of members of the opposite sex protects young people from making a poor marital choice.

Rushing into a serious relationship, without spending sufficient time in casual relationships is like taking a final exam without doing any homework. It leads to failure.

Dennie Hughes, the author of the book Dateworthy says, “The more people you date, the easier it is to keep from getting too involved too soon with the wrong person….. Anyone who expects you to commit in the early stages of dating is a red-flag personality.” (Rodale Press, 2004)

High school students need a variety of experiences that can only be found outside of a steady-dating relationship. Teens who go steady don't have the freedom to make friends with a variety of members of the opposite sex either because the “steady” will get jealous or because they are always with their “steady.”

Not only do exclusive relationships deprive high school students of experiences they sorely need to thrive emotionally, exclusive relationships expose adolescents to harmful experiences that actually cause emotional damage. Exclusive relationships that lead to sex, or that end in a breakup both expose adolescents to trauma they are better off without.

Breaking Up is Hard To Do
Breakups among adolescents are as predictable as the seasons. In previous generations steady dating in high school led to marriage because ½ of all girls married while in their teens. In this generation, the average age for a young woman to marry is 25 years old. Steady dating and falling in love is perfectly appropriate when marriage is an imminent possibility. Pairing off when marriage isn't likely for 9 more years will surely result in a break up.

Breakups are far from easy for high school students. One young lady began her first love affair at age 14, before she was technically old enough to “date.” She met a boy on the Internet who was 15 years old and they communicated constantly. They decided they were destined to be together and committed their undying love to one another. Disaster struck when this young boy turned 16 and felt free to go on real dates. He broke up with his Internet lover and left her devastated. She cried constantly, stopped eating, went to the doctor and was eventually diagnosed with anorexia. Clearly, young people have an amazing ability to love. But they don't have much of an ability to love faithfully.

Breakups, such as the one described, can result in mild depression, where the teenager holes himself up in his room for a few days and mourns. Or the consequences of a break up can be moderate, wherein a jilted lover may blow his grades for a semester, or get arrested for keying his ex's car. The consequences of a break up can also be quite severe, such as the girl from my son's junior class who jumped off a building in downtown Jacksonville .

Regardless of the level of hurt a breakup produces, mild, moderate or severe, breakups in high school are entirely unnecessary. High school students shouldn't even be glued together in the first place, so there should be nothing to break. Granted breakups are a part of life, but they are far less likely when a couple is emotionally mature and when marriage is a realistic possibility.

Risk of Divorce
Statistics show that the number of failed relationships a young person has before marriage corresponds directly with the likelihood of divorce after marriage. Knowing that high school romances more often break up than succeed we can conclude that high school romance can actually compromise the ultimate success of a marriage.

The human heart is extremely resilient, but it still has its limits. It can only get broken so many times before it is unable to mend. Teenagers who enter one painful relationship after another eventually lose their ability to trust. Although breakups are often necessary before finding the relationship that leads to marriage, it is wasteful to enter a relationship knowing full well that it will eventually break up.

Adolescent learn lousy relationship lessons when they go steady, not only because their relationships end in breakups, but because few adolescents possess the maturity necessary to be in a serious relationship. Adolescents are at a developmental stage where they are generally selfish, impulsive, fickle, and idealistic—the opposite traits that lead to successful marriages. Teenagers who learn about intimate relationships from partners, who treat them poorly, may be slow to trust their eventual marriage partners. Rotten romances leave scars.

With all the harms caused from high school romance, and all the healthy learning that eludes those involved in a high school romance, one would wonder why we still see Latter-day Saint youth going steady in high school?

Perhaps the LDS youth may choose to go steady because they have not been taught correct principles, or alternately, they may choose to go steady because parents teach correct principles but are overwhelmed with the difficulty of enforcing them. Steady dating in high school is such an inherent part of our culture, we might wonder if we can ever eradicate it. Young people can hardly wait until they turn 16 so they can have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Homecoming dances, Sadie Hawkins, Prom, are all designed for high school students to pair off, (to “hook up” in the students' vernacular). High school romance is as deep-rooted in our culture as the Palmetto plants in my Florida back yard.

The traditions of our fathers, just because they are deep-rooted, however, doesn't mean they are healthy. Our task is to improve on each generation, to make this generation better than the last. Traditions that may have worked in generations past, do not fit in the new millennium. Perhaps this generation can create some new traditions.

Don't Dress Like a Boy Magnet

Radio Script for July 3, 2008

“Don't Dress Like a Boy Magnet”

Hello, I’m Doug Apple…with Apples of Gold.

Don’t dress like a boy magnet.

“But I want to be a boy magnet!”Oh, you better think about that. Start by thinking about this: what percentage of the male population are you trying to attract? Probably a very tiny percentage, right? After all, you’re not trying to attract the dirty old men, are you? You’re not trying to attract the losers and abusers. I’m going to guess that the only guys you want to attract are the guys that you are attracted to. I bet you’re not trying to attract any unwanted attention from guys you aren’t attracted to. So really, it’s a very small percentage of the male population you are trying to attract, so don’t dress like you’re trying to attract them all.

So how many do you want to attract? This is important. I hope your answer is…one. If you are a single Christian female, then the most you should be trying to attract is one, and that would be your future husband who will become your one and only. And what kind of husband do you want? A strong Christian, I hope. A good, godly man with high principles and strong morals. If this is the kind of husband you want, then how should you attract him? First Peter 3 talks about how women should make themselves beautiful. It’s not their hair or their clothes or their jewelry that makes them so attractive. Instead it’s what’s inside, their holiness, their gentleness, their peace, their hope in God.

If you want to attract a godly man, then you must be a godly woman. You need to work on your inner qualities and your walk with God. And with that comes a de-emphasis on your outward appearance.“Yes, Doug, I want a good Christian husband someday. But I want to be attractive. Is there anything wrong with that?”I think you need to drill down and see what your motivation is. Does it make you feel good to get the boys’ attention? Is your self esteem riding on this? Is that why you dress like a boy magnet?Now think this through. If this is what makes you feel good about yourself, then what will you do when you are married? After a while, many women fall back into the rut of making themselves feel good by attracting the boys’ attention – even though they are married. And what will you do when you get older and lose your attractive edge? Some women panic with those first signs of old age. That’s why you see mothers and grandmothers dressing like boy magnets. Their self esteem hinges on grabbing the boys’ attention. This is a rotten place to get your self esteem. It’s fleeting. It’s never really there. You are always chasing it but never really catching it. The problem is that it’s like a drug. It feels so good to snag the attention of an attractive member of the opposite sex. It gives you a high that can last all day. Then like other highs, once it wears off you need another one. And to get it – now listen – to get it, what will you be willing to do? Will you wear your clothes a little tighter? Skirts a little shorter? Tops a little racier? What will you do to attract the boys?

Now let’s talk about the attention you are getting. When you dress like a boy magnet, what you are attracting is the eyes of the boys. They are looking at your body. Or let me say this, they are looking at your body parts. If you wear tight jeans, they are looking at your rear end. If you wear short skirts, they are looking at your legs, and on and on. Now don’t get too excited, thinking they are looking at you. They are not really looking at you. They are looking at your parts. Listen, they may love your chest, but they may not like you at all. This is not what you want, is it? It’s demeaning. It’s depersonalizing. So think about it. You dress like a boy magnet to draw the attention of the boys, which makes you feel good about yourself. But in reality, they aren’t even thinking about you as a person. They are just enjoying the display. It could be anyone.

So if you think you want to be a boy magnet, you need to think it through. I don’t think it’s going to bring the results you want.If your goal is to attract a good, godly husband, then dressing like a boy magnet is not the way to do it. Instead, work on your inner qualities, such as your holiness and your walk with God.

“But Doug, if I don’t dress to attract, I’m afraid I won’t attract anyone.”

Let’s go back to First Peter chapter 3. Verse 6 says you should “do what is right and do not give way to fear.”Yes, I think it’s a legitimate fear to think you might miss out on attracting a good husband. But do what is right, and don’t give way to fear. You don’t have to dress like a little “hottie” to attract a godly man. In fact, I think a godly man will disrespect that. It’s more likely to repel than attract. And you know what? A man doesn’t want to be married to a boy magnet. When a man marries, he wants you to himself. He doesn’t want to share you with the rest of the male population. So think this through, and pray about it. What are your goals? What is your motivation? When you get to the bottom of it, I think you’ll find that it doesn’t have any good long term effects. It’s just not a good plan to dress like a boy magnet.

Comments? E-mail me: dougapple@wave94.com. May God bless you today! With Apples of Gold…I’m Doug Apple.© 2008 The Arrow’s TipTo subscribe to your own daily “Apples of Gold” e-mail, write dougapple@wave94.com.If you want to be removed from this e-mail list, simply click reply and type UNSUBSCRIBE on the subject line.If you want to catch “Apples of Gold” in its original audio format, go to www.wave94.comTo search through the large archive of past articles, go here: http://www.wave94.com/modules.php?name=Stories_ArchiveIf you have trouble reaching me at my main e-mail address, try this one: douglas_apple@msn.com(Proverbs 25:11 – “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”)Why “The Arrow’s Tip”? Each morning, after diligently seeking the Lord, I write Apples of Gold. Then before I release it to the public I pray one final prayer, “Lord, send forth your arrows.” I envision Apples of Gold as arrows, tips dipped in the river of the water of life that flows from the throne of God (Rev. 22:1), sailing toward the hearts and minds of men and women around the world.Doug AppleGeneral Manager - Wave 94 Christian Radio for TallahasseePO Box 4105Tallahassee, FL 32315(850) 926-8000

Follow the Prophet

I've been noticing through my research of different topics that I can find answers to just about everything through the modern-day prophets. Yes, I find answers in scriptures and I heavily rely on them throughout my daily activities and strive to make them an integral party of my life. Nothing can compensate or replace the value that they hold. I've heard it said that the council and direction that guided Adam during his life did not help Noah build the ark. In other words, we need direction for our current day, too, and we are blessed with the restored gospel and a living Prophet today. There are a lot of topics that makes one go "hmmmm... I wonder what is the right thing to do in this situation?" And, then there are those topics that we know inherently are the right thing to do and could use the validation and articulation to put our thoughts into words. I appreciate and love the gospel and I feel comfort knowing that I have a modern day Prophet to lead and guide me through my life and these difficult latter days. I would like to compile a list of articles from the leaders of the church, mostly found in the Ensign, that I find speak to me or answer a latter-day question specific to our time.

This is a work in progress and topics and related council will be added through time. I can't possibly have a comprehensive list of all of them... so, these will be a few that stuck with me.

Abortion
Abortion, An Assault on the Defenseless by Elder Russel M Nelson, Ensign October 2008
What I really liked about this article is the point that he made that we do not get to choose the consequences to our actions. The choice comes before whatever action we choose to take. After the action has been taken, we loose the privilege of deciding from that point and consequences are what naturally follow. This holds true in many areas of our lives. How many times do we hear our children cry how unfair their punishment is? What if the criminals were able to choose their course of punishment? To every choice we make there is a consequence, whether good or bad. It's up to us to realize that we have the opportunity to choose before we make a mistake. After we have thus made the mistake we can no longer change the consequences, but we can rely on the miracle of forgiveness and correcting our course from that point. Let's not compound our errors by making more errors. Here are a couple more abortion articles. Statement on Abortion and Covenants.

Same Gender Attraction
Helping Those Who Struggle with Same-Gender Attraction by Jeffrey R. Holland, Ensign, Oct 2007.
Church Supports Call for Constitutional Amendment Ensign, July 2006.
Same-Gender Attraction, by Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, Oct 1995

What I appreciate about the council that we get from our leaders is the understanding of our divine heritage. The Proclamation to the world addresses and clarifies this heritage when reminding us "All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." I find comfort in knowing that God is not a God of confusion and I can hold to this council during these times of confusion throughout the world.

Abuse
I've been blessed with goodly parents and family, so thankfully I cannot relate to the horrors of deep and lasting abuse. It's nice to be reminded that Heavenly Father is mindful of everyone's challenges and difficulties. I would imagine that those who suffer from abuse probably feel alone and wonder about their worthiness as an individual. I'm grateful that our leaders have seen fit to address such difficult and sensitive issues.
To Heal The Shattering Consequences of Abuse by Elder Richard G. Scott, May 2008 Ensign.

Business and Fraud
Over the course of the last few years I have come to realize that any business that practices using the advantage of time in their favor and against their customer’s best interest boarders anywhere from unethical to fraud. They would justify their coarse of action by claiming that’s the way business works, but I can testify that any persons character is at more risk by practicing these methods than their business could ever benefit by doing the same. Here are two examples that are on either end of that spectrum of morality. When I joined Mary Kay Cosmetics I was told to purchase extra product for my Debut because it would sell faster and easier than if my customers, aka friends and relatives, had to place an order. Why is this? This is because we tend to be impulse buyers, go home and later either regret the purchase or realize that we don’t even need it. Which, we would have realized this had we had an opportunity to think about it and be more practical in our decision. Why would I want to do this to my customers, whether or not they are friends or family? If they truly need this item, why trick them into purchasing it just because it’s right in front of their face all in the name of a profit? That is just plain unethical. The second example of this is when we signed up for real estate training classes with Russ Whitney. There were only a minimal amount of students they could enroll. Furthermore, if we didn’t enroll today, we would lose a “discount.” Finally, after actually attending this expensive “training” for 3 days we learned that it was a glorified sales pitch for much more expensive “discounted” classes, where again the “discount” was only available until the end of class that day. This is plain fraud and dishonest behavior any way you look at it. Unfortunately, in both cases, we didn’t realize these questionable behaviors were unethical or fraud, and because of our ignorance and decision to disregard any warning signs, get clarification and seek information or advice from an unbiased third-party, we participated in them. It wasn’t until later that we realized that because the first would be willing to be unethical with their own customers that I wasn’t far behind. While the training made promises that they wouldn’t keep and they surely didn’t have our best interest at heart all while they were running a “business” which eventually found us, and quite quickly, in dire financial circumstances. I had said that I wish I had known beforehand, but as it turns out there were leaders within the church, including prophet counsel to beware of fraudulent activities and unreasonable investments. While we had been cautioned for years to use wisdom and prudence in all things somehow I either didn’t believe that included me or the circumstance in which I was facing, or both. While I one time chastised my daughter for not coming to me before making a decision that could have put her into serious danger, although in her mind was quite safe, I came to realize that when making the level of decisions we were making in both of these circumstances I should have, too, taken them to someone smarter and more informed that I was at the time, because as it turns out we were not safe.
Recognizing—and Avoiding—Bad Investments, by John W. Hardy, Ensign, Sep 1983.
Protecting Family Finances by Avoiding Fraud by Karianne Salisbury, Ensign, July 2008.

Word of Wisdom
Energy Drinks: The Lift That Lets You Down, by Russell Wilcox, New Era, Dec 2008.
The Energy Drink Epidemic, By Thomas J. Boud, MD, Ensign, Dec 2008. Dr. Boud works in family medicine at a primary care facility and volunteers for the Church as a consulting physician in the Missionary Medical Department.